BLUR TUESDAY

Hi All,

How's it going?

Hari ini aku nak channel my feelings in here sebagai tatapan umum. If anyone can relate to this, kita geng!

Lately ni kan aku ada rasa tak best dalam diri aku. Aku tak tau kenapa. Masuk minggu ni dah nak dekat sebulan aku bekerja di posisi yang baru ni. So far, aku tak tau la. Minggu pertama dan kedua tu aku rasa macam 'Okayyy this is exciting. I got to learn new skills here.' But, now aku rasa macam dah tak bersemangat nak kerja setiap hari. I find myself hard to wake up in the morning. Tapi, aku rasa mungkin faktor bekerja dari rumah jugak kot. Aku cepat rasa risau dan menggelabah everytime my superior give me another task to complete. That's when I start to feel anxiety.

Itu tak termasuk lagi dengan rasa risau setiap masa dan rasa diri tu tak layak berada dalam posisi ni. Every week I tend to feel this way. Cuma sekarang ni belum ada rasa nak menangis je lagi. Now, I understand all the memes about working from home. Kita akan start rasa hilang semangat untuk buat kerja. Selama ni aku selalu rasa enjoy bekerja dalam bidang ni. Anything that is related to DB excites me especially when I get an opportunity to learn something that I have not experienced doing before. Now, I don't think I like doing this anymore. Aku tak tau la, maybe this is an imposter syndrome. I read about this a lot from many articles. Besides, I hear talk from many great speakers about this syndrome. This is normal and it's also a sign that you're doing something great. 

'Successful people often feels like fraud'

But, I'm not yet successful. Right now, I am still trying to figure out what I really want in life. Is DBA a right career for me? Am I capable of becoming a great DBA? Or is there another job that suits me better?

Penat ada perasaan macam ni tau. Sekarang ni memang aku rasa tak yakin dengan diri sendiri. Aku dah rasa penat nak hadap semua ni. Sometimes, bila waktu kerja pun aku dah tak hadap laptop sepanjang masa. Aku akan baring hadap phone, rasa malas nak study and explore. Benda ni semua lead me to sleep during my work hours. Orang akan cakap aku pemalas. Tapi, bagi aku tidur tu je boleh buat aku escape from reality and relax my mind. Tapi, lepastu aku akan rasa menyesal la. Rasa tak berkat sebab aku tak buat kerja. Life is so complicated.

Malam semalam aku ada buat personality test tau. Actually, I've done this a lot of time already. But, malam semalam I try to be as honest as possible because I want the correct result. Again, I got an INFP which is Mediator. Aku mengaku the quality of this type suits me very well. I am a Mediator.

 Who is a Mediator (INFP)?

A Mediator (INFP) is someone who possesses the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Prospecting personality traits. These rare personality types tend to be quiet, open-minded and imaginative, and they apply a caring and creative approach to everything they do.

This is so me. I admit I have all these qualities inside me. Then, aku tengoklah bahagian career paths sebab nak tau jugak karier apa yang terbaik untuk personality type macam ni kan. This is what I found:

        Many Mediator (INFPs) long for a career that doesn't just take care of the bills but also feels fulfilling. They want to spend their days doing something they genuinely love, preferably without too much stress or drama.

        Mediator's creativity, independence, and sincere desire to connect with and help others can help them shine - and fulfillment in - nearly any line of work. Sensitive to artistic beauty, some Mediators simply come to life in the worlds of writing, music, drama or dance.

        Whatever they do, Mediators want to feel that their work is helping others. It's not surprising, then, that many people with this personality type choose careers that are focused on service, such as counseling, psychology, teaching, health care, social work, message therapy, or physical rehabilitation. For these caring, supportive personalities, few things are more meaningful than seeing their work help change someone's life for the better.

        Mediators are adaptable, but they may find it demotivating to work in high stress, bureaucratic, or hectic environments. They can also become frustrated by workplaces that are highly critical or competitive. Workplaces that reward independence tend to be a good fit for Mediators, although they may appreciate some structure and oversight to help them avoid procrastinating and getting lost in thought.

       That said, Mediators don't need ideal conditions to thrive professionally. These personalities want to live in tune with their values, in their careers as much as in any other aspect of their lives. They can put up with - and overcome - any number of challenges as they pursue a sense of mission in their work.

Jadi, sekarang ni aku silap pilih karier ke macam mana? Hahahaha 😂 Semua yang diperkatakan dalam artikel ni memang betul. Bukanlah nak kata bidang IT ni tak sesuai dengan aku. Tapi, kerja sebagai IT ni kadang-kadang kita dalam bubble kita sendiri tau. Kerja aku ni praktikal, pakai logik akal, semua benda perlu follow the correct steps dan tak boleh berangan. Kalau berangan nanti boleh corrupt database dan data boleh hilang. Working as a Database Administrator kena pakai logik akal dan fokus itu sangat penting. So, dekat sini I cannot use my creativity side. Memang la DBA adalah salah satu career yang focused on services jugak because my current company pun memang focusing on provide services to the client. So, I will provide a support for them when it comes to their DB including data recovery, maintenance, installation, restoration and everything. So, dekat sini adalah jugak memenuhi characteristic macam yang diperkatakan tu. But, I don't think it is meaningful and help change someone's life for the better. Hahahaha. Mungkin change the company for the better la kot 😂

That's actually answering my question why all these years I am so interested working in a health care industry. I already wrote about this in my previous post. So, you guys can read bout it there.  Yeahhh... aku memang ada keinginan nak kerja kat hospital tau dulu, sebab aku rasa macam best.

Aku pulak sejenis yang tak kisah kerja kat mana dan kerja apa, paling penting aku nak rasa content and happy with my work. Setiap kali kalau aku berdoa dikurniakan pekerjaan - aku akan sentiasa berdoa supaya Allah bagi aku kerja yang memberikan aku kepuasan dan keseronokan dalam bekerja - sebab bagi aku hidup kau memang beruntung if you find that satisfaction dalam kerja yang kau buat dan rasa happy/semangat/excited tu akan memudahkan kau untuk bangun pagi everyday untuk mengadap kerja. Bak kata orang, kalau kau suka dengan kerja kau, benda tu takkan rasa macam kerja pun. Dia macam bernafas la kan. Benda tu macam natural. Serius wehhh... aku memang seek for that qualities dalam pekerjaan aku. Aku nakkan rasa yang macam tu. Life is too short untuk buat sesuatu yang tak kena dengan jiwa kita.

Sekarang ni, aku tak tau. Is DBA the right job for me? Because I don't feel excited doing this anymore. Aku rasa macam payah sangat nak buat sesuatu tu dan aku dah tak rasa terbuka untuk nak explore new things. Entahlah aku tak tau macam mana nak explain. Tapi, takkanlah aku nak totally ubah my path. Nak cari kerja bidang lain. It feels not right la pulak and benda tu pun risky kot. Nanti bila dah ubah haluan masuk bidang lain, tiba-tiba rasa tak serasi pulak. Susah doooo... Sampai bila kerja asyik nak explore kerja baru je kan hahahahaha 😂 Tapi, bila aku fikir balik... hidup ni jugak terlalu singkat untuk kau takut nak try. Setiap perubahan pasti ada risiko dia. Tapi, kau kena put your trust pada Allah S.W.T la kan... Kerja asyik nak takut hadap risiko, baik tak payah hidup. Betul tak?

Tapi, itu tak bermakna aku ada niat nak resign in my current position.Gila ke apa? This is one of a life time opportunity. Aku nak grab some skills dulu, dapatkan pengalaman yang mencukupi... Kalau boleh sampai hujung tahun ni tengok macam mana. Let's see if I can face this job until the end of this year. Kalau okay, then I'll proceed another month. Then, sebulan lagi dan sebulan lagi. Just follow the flow. If along the way, I get another opportunity or someone give me another opportunity... then aku akan fikir-fikir kan lah. I'm not going to simply quit whenever I feel bosan or tak suka. Life doesn't work that way. Itu namanya tak rasional. Maybe this is just a feeling. Setiap orang pernah rasa bosan dengan kerja yang dia suka buat kan. I think this is normal (cuba sedapkan hati 😂) Mungkin aku dah lama tak jumpa orang kot. Sebab tu aku rasa macam ni. I don't know. But, seriously aku rasa penat nak hadap hari-hari aku sekarang ni. Penat dengan aku punya overthinking. Penat. Just penat. Rasa kosong pun ya jugak. Jiwa tu rasa tak terisi. Entahlah. Tak tau macam mana nak explain. Orang yang faham je faham.